Defining stupidity - more important than you think

It's a fact of life that for the most part, teenagers are stupid and will always do stupid things. Our definition of "stupid," however, is usually more extreme than your version.

Parent's idea of stupid: doing drugs, speeding, hanging out past curfew (at least where I live)t, skipping class, and forgetting to turn in school assignments.

Our idea of stupid: bringing a homemade taser to school and shocking somebody with it, lighting a fire in the bathroom, and exploding firecrackers in the biology lab.

(These incidences have actually occurred at my school.)

See the difference? Your idea of stupid are actions we do that definitely hurt us. Our grades will suffer, we might get caught by the police, and we might overdose. You're concerned for our lives, and that's understandable, considering the kind of things we do. Even the most levelheaded of children will do stupid things (by parental standards). It's not that we don't understand it to be detrimental to our lives - sometimes we want to push a limit to get the adrenaline kick from it, or try out something new.

Our idea of stupid are actions we do that hurt others. It's okay if our classmates are sleeping in class or talking rudely to the teacher. But if they begin shocking people with tasers, it isn't about their selfishness causing a wreck on their lives anymore - it's ruining others'.

So why is clearly emphasizing a parent's and teenager's idea of stupidity important?

It explains why we sometimes think your punishments are injust, even if you think they're reasonable. Getting grounded for missing assignments? We won't stop whining until you add another week to our punishment. Getting our phone taken away for speeding? It'll embitter us for the rest of our teenage lives.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't punish us at all for this sort of stupidity. Obviously, we need to learn quickly that skipping class will negatively affect our grades and the likelihood of getting into a good college - something more important than ever due to our economic crisis. But this isn't something that merits two months of grounding. A warning that if we continue, we'll get our phone taken away should be good enough - it shows how serious you are without getting to the actual punishment part, and lets us see that there will definitely be consequences if we keep skipping. Just be sure to keep your word, or else we'll realize that we can weasel ourselves out of a mess.

Don't try to be the cool parent

Trying to be the cool parent is something I see a lot of adults do. They overextend themselves in their attempts to be a "hip mom/dad," which actually doesn't do much in terms of a good parent/teenager relationship. Just try to be yourself, because:

1. It's still your job to instill rules and guide us along the right path. Being "cool" is not necessarily part of this.

2. You're our parent. We'll always be embarrassed by you no matter your personality - it's a fact of life.

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A few weeks ago, a bunch of my friends went out to eat at Friday's. We had a good time, but it was dampened by the fact that Elias's mom was there, trying to jump in all of our conversations and attempting slang. I appreciated her efforts to try to get close to us. I did not appreciate the fact that conversations often became extremely awkward every time she began talking, and that Elias, who is normally a very gregarious and funny person, spent most of his time half-cowering at the table corner, unwilling to speak in his parents' presence.

Elias: (looking at the menu, joking) I want a margarita.
Janie: (going along with the joke) Margarita's for the weak. Have some vodka.
Elias's mom: You know, I can actually get some for you. I always say that I'd rather Elias's buddies drink where there are adults rather than at some crazy weekend party, right? Right, Elias?
Elias: (stiff laughter)

Don't be Elias's mom. Values are always more important than seeming cool to a bunch of immature teenagers.

AP Tests

If your child isn't in AP classes right now, or your school doesn't offer them, right now you might want to consider taking AP tests.

An AP (Advanced Placement) test helps you get college credit. It goes over college material and deeper into the studies of classes your children are already taking - math, history, english, etc. Since we already know these basic subjects, it's a good idea to go ahead and buy a few AP test-prep books to prepare. The overall cost of studying and testing shouldn't be too extensive. Depending on circumstances and where you live, an AP test can cost about 50-100 dollars. That's mere pocket change when compared to the huge amounts of money college courses will cost, so it's still definitely worth taking the test.

The test is graded on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. A few colleges still accept scores of 3 to gain college credits, but more colleges are only accepting 4's and 5's now. Because the test is graded on a national curve, it's entirely possible that your child can get a score of 60% correct on multiple choice and do averagely well on an essay, but still get a solid 4.

I highly suggest encouraging your teen to take a few tests in the subject areas that they're good in, for the following reasons:

1. The money you save will reach into the thousands. One girl at my school completed around 20 AP tests (all scores of 4's and 5's) and actually entered college as a sophomore. That's one year's worth of of tuition, boarding, and books her parents didn't have to pay for.

2. Getting college credit through AP tests will open up classes for your children in college. That way they can take courses they like instead of trudging through another exhausting year of math or history.

3. AP Test "season" is in May, right around when finals are. Preparation for the AP can also enhance studies for the school curriculum and might boost their score.

There may be a lot of hype about how scary and difficult the tests are, but as long as you're equipped with a good Kaplan or Princeton Review book, you should be fine. My grades in AP Human Geography my sophomore year weren't the prettiest things (mid 80's) but I got a 5 on the AP test after studying test-prep books religiously.

So go out today and talk to your child's counselor about the AP's. You won't regret it!

Self-esteem and grades

I have a really sweet friend that's an all-around "good girl". She's the kind of person I often aspire to be, and I look to her as a role model. A few days ago, she confided to me that she was really worried about her grades, her PSATs, etc. She didn't have too much confidence in herself as a person, and didn't seem to see the many good qualities that other people see in her.

A lot of her esteem issues stem from her parents' overbearing manner and extreme strictness with her schoolwork. It's always a good thing to keep tabs on your children and keep them on the right track on grades, but when you overdo it, it may cause them to lose confidence. They'll get the idea that you don't trust them with anything and that they're not worth very much either.

I realize that when your child's grades seem to be slipping, and when they don't seem to have the perfect resume to get into top colleges, it's a reason to worry. But the best thing you can do at this time is to encourage them. Don't let your anger take you over and control your actions; instead, work together with your child to try and find a plan to help their grades improve.

For awhile, I myself didn't really have a good relationship with my dad because he often berated me on my Physics grade (he majored in Physics and has a Ph.D in Chemistry). I would snap back at him whenever he did so, and because of that, didn't want to ask him for help. If you approach your child with a worried but not angry attitude, it'll make it easier on us to work with you to find a way to improve our grades.

Teachers often have morning and afternoon tutoring sessions, and other students are often willing to help a friend. You can give them advice yourself, if the problems are in your area of expertise.

Music for All

I don't know how many of you watched the Rose Parade on TV, but if you did, there was a 250 yard long Sesane Street "mega-unit" consisting of four floats, dancers, flags, drums, and a marching band.  I was part of that.  And it was pretty much the highlight of my life.

The entire project was put together by Bands of America, through Music for All, a group dedicated to providing "positively life-changing experiences" for students.  Cheesey as it may sound, this was indeed a life-changing experience.  

Every staff member was literally the best in the country at what they do.  For example, the drum line shows up the first day, practicing on their Thom Hannum sticks, when their instructor walks up.  It's Thom Hannum himself.  The Fred J Miller uniforms were actually fit by Fred J Miller, the drum majors were taught by George N. Parks, the inventor of the modern drum major, and everywhere we turned, there was another HUGE name in marching band.

However, more than just an excellent experience in marching band, it was an excellent life experience.  I have attended camps held by George Parks in the past, and every time I have gone home a better person for having been there.  On this trip, not only did we have the opportunity to work with Mr. Parks, but another equally inspirational individual, affectionately known as Dr. Tim.  Five minutes with either of these legends would change anyone's life forever.  We were all pushed to be not only better musicians, but better people.  The progression of the group from the beginning of the week to the end was spectacular.  We were walking taller, speaking clearer, and genuinely better people for the experience.

I'm not saying that everyone should be crazy enough to want to fly halfway across the country to march around a parking lot 20 hours a day for a week with 50lb metal horns on their shoulders.  Nor am I saying that music is the be-all end-all for character building.  What I am saying is that whatever your kids are into, take an active interest.  The cost of this trip was somewhat beyond my means, but my parents paid for it.  They could have bought a 60" HDTV with the money, but they would rather I had that experience.  Again, I'm not saying that every parent needs to do that, but if a parent's goal is to make their children the best people they can be, chances are that whatever you kids are into will improve them as individuals.

PS: I highly recommend marching band.  Not everyone is into it, but if they are, you will notice a significant difference in your child from freshman band camp to the senior show.